One of the core tenets of Opus is that the demigods would take over domination over the mortals, as opposed to liberating the mortals as Madonna seems to desire to do.
Who exactly was this boy that saved her from the harpy?
Kindly fix some of the spelling and grammar errors to avoid confusion. Next, on Aphrodite's letter, she said that someone will accompany Madonna to Armani, telling him that she must go to Camp Half-Blood. Why didn't that happen? Did Armani ever tell Madonna everything about her true identity? If Nick just whisked away Madonna without Armani's knowledge he would certainly wonder, even if he knew she will go to camp some day. He may think that his daughter just ran away, or got kidnapped, or this or that, you never know. Also, you said that "She then turned 16 concidently [coincidentally], a few days after waking up." Did she faint or something after Nick revealed himself to be a satyr? Because if she did, she wouldn't "agree and had to think it through again, she was carried by him for half of the time, and then let go when she was ready to accept that she was a demigod" because she's unconscious.
Fixed~ and it did happen. Nick brought her to camp. Katty<3
Could you fix the first paragraph? As I read it, Aphrodite gave birth in an hour e.o which is kinda disturbing XD Anyways, could you add in her childhood from 1-12?
what type of monster was the 'lady with the bronze leg'?
Empousa and I'll fix it when I get home. XD birth in an hour 0-0.
Fixed both <333
As Pandy's not an admin, nor does she own a Faction Leader, she may not approve Broken Covenant claims as Heinrich. So the edit has been reverted to the edit last made by Kat.
hmm, i feel like the monster attacks are poorly explained. like if you say stuff like "he distracted the empousai with a swift dropkick with his hooves and carried of madonna to safety" OR he could get her to safety while ensnaring the monster in vines (summoned by his reed pipes ofc) it'll be cool :)
Fixed hydro <.<
okay so... i feel like you should say the satyr did some weapons training, that would justify how he saved her for the last 2 attacks and maybe when he's explaining the greek world to her, you can have her not like how things are from the get go. "like, we demigods have to live and hide screw that!" because that would justify her reasons for joining the BC more. >.<
Kindly add a bit more to her early childhood. If you could possibly add in a few specific events, or even monster sightings, that would be great. Then, if she had a phone, her first monster attack would have come sooner, seeing as phones, the internet, etc can alert monsters within the area of a demigod's whereabouts. Then, how did the guy manage to have 10 daggers on him? It's not exactly easy to hide one or two daggers on your body but to have 10 on him is a bit too much (unless he had a bag full of them, then that's a different story altogether). How come the satyr didn't just approach her father sooner and have him explain the situation to Madonna, to avoid all those times of her running away from him? How did she suddenly get close to the strawberry farms? Nick couldn't have walked all the way while she was unconscious. Next, Aphrodite's symbol for claiming would be a dove, not a heart. How did she come across the BC member? They wouldn't just be wandering about Camp, you know. Could you also explain this line to me: "She then started to feel hate because of that Aphrodite". It doesn't quite make sense.
- Fixed The Dad thing
- Removed The Phone Thing
- Added More Childhood Stuff
- I now used a sword instead of 10 daggers
- Fixed The Opus stuff
- Fixed Aphrodite's sign
- It doesn't take 4 months for woman to find out she's pregnant. Normally, it only takes around 2 weeks.
- Why would Aphrodite leave two swords when just one would suffice?
- Then, could you add in specific events at specific ages? Like say, she was 7 when ______.
- What was the shadow she saw when she was 12?
- In her third monster attack (the one where she's 15 years old), you said she's 2 days away from her birthday. That's practically a year without any monster attacks so I'd suggest moving the third monster attack to a few months before her 16th birthday.
- As I've mentioned before, I highly doubt finding a BC member would be that easy. Perhaps you could say she wandered in the deeper parts of the forest where she came across a BC member? I'm pretty sure that would be plausible.
- Fixed The First One
- Fixed That One;didn't see that there
- got it
welp it looks good to me >.<
|Heinrich Alten ~ Leader of the Broken Covenant|
|Owned by: Admins & Crats ~ Posted on: Welcome to the BC, the leader of the faction you wish to join will speak with you now|